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Okay, this week has been a roller coaster ride. But hey, I always say there is always something positive in every negative, you just got to find it.
First, On Monday I found out that the house, this wonderful fantastic house I had found for this miraculously low price, had been sold ninety minutes before I received the call that my loan had been approved. As heart breaking as it was, I figured that this happened hopefully, this happened because there was something better out there just waiting for me to find it. I have to make myself feel this way or become depressed and angry. There is nothing I can do to change what has happened. But I do have to admit that I have been suppressing resentment toward the unknown purchaser who killed my dream.
Immediately after I got off the phone, my cell phone beeps indicating I had missed a call. It was from the Physicians assistant (Tara) she had left me a message. My pap came back bad, AGAIN! She was referring me to the Gynecologist again who had done my laser surgery. I had squamous cells and mild dysplasia present. Translating into “Pre Cancer cells.” Squamous cells are cancer cells, but they are not to be mistaken for malignant cells. It just means that at any given time, they may turn malignant.
I went to see the Doctor, he was very optimistic, but…. He did the biopsies. Mind you, I have been through this biopsy two times prior to this, making this my third time since May of 2006. We joked, the Doctor and I to break the ice while he was doing the procedure. My mother, very worried about this had asked to accompany me and I allowed it. So it was very hard for me to ask the doctor in front of my mother the question we had joked about.
I had sex for the first time like eight months or more and of course the first time since the surgery. I tried to ask him why it hurt when I had sex, and practically choked on it because my mother was present. Finally I just blurted it out, I told him “Okay,,, I finally broke my celibacy and had sex and it hurt, for days, why?” He laughed as he found it hard to believe that I did not have a boyfriend but knew I was not having sex as we discussed this before.” So this is what he told me, in front of Mom mind you, “ Laura, if you don’t use it, you lose it. So it’s going to hurt.” LOL. My mother told me later she about fell out of her chair laughing. LOL!
When he did the procedure, I wanted to jump off that table because, it hurt. All I did instead was say OUCH! Mind you, I had been through this twice before and never felt more than a pinch. Afterwards I was smirking. I apologized to the Doctor for my reaction and the Doctor told me that I took things a lot better than the woman before me. I told him that out of the three procedures’ that was the only one that hurt, and that must mean the Steroidal Epidurals were working.
That leads us up to the procedure today. My third Steroidal Epidural. It appears that three is the number here, and yes, IT HURT! My stepfather drives my mother and I there as I am not permitted to leave without a driver. After the procedure I smirked again. It stayed there for awhile and finally as I got into the car with my parents my mother turned and asked me “ Laura, you smirked yesterday after I saw you turn almost purple when the Doctor was done working on you and you are doing it again, why are you smirking?” I blurted out without thinking and to whom was listening. This was my answer, “ Mom. They did not hurt before, they do now, It means the Epidurals are working and I got my feeling back!” “ I can’t wait to have sex, I did not realize how much feeling I lost.” “ No wonder why my ex husband and my short term lover sought another, it had to be sooo frustrating.” She started laughing and my stepfather of god knows how many years. Who still can visualize the tiny little girl he knew as his daughter turned red as a beat. But said not one word.
This brings me back to that double-edged sword. I got my feeling back! Like I stated earlier, there is a positive to every negative. God, who ever this guy is, that I finally have sex with, I hope that I feel the difference like I did in these procedures. I will probably go crazy and die of cardiac arrest. LOL! But boy, what a way to go! At least I will have a BIG OL SMILE on my face! LOL!
Okay enough for now. I need to stop thinking or fantasizing on this. I have to remind myself, I don’t have a boyfriend, but do I ever wish I find one before this wears off.
So I guess the moral of this story is; Great things can come out of uncomfortable and scarey situations.
Bye for now,
Laura
